I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
