You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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