Can Purell be used as lube?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
