i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
