dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
