a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
