I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
