I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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