nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
