Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
