His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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