yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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