I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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