I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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