I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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