first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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