so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
