a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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