last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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