Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
