The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
