I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
