Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
