Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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