At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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