There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
