its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
