So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
