There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
