So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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