i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
