Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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