My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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