and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
