I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
