If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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