the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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