He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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