the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
