If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
