Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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