He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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