I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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