bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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