Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
This toilet bowl is my home.
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