If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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