I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
