I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
