Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
