On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
last night I used snow as a chaser
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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