I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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