Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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